SETTING PERSONAL BOUNDARIES: A Primer for Healthier Relationships

SETTING PERSONAL BOUNDARIES: A Primer for Healthier Relationships

by | Apr 15, 2020 | ADD - ADHD, Attitude, Perspective, Relationships, Self-Care

SUMMARY: There is a delicate balance between taking care of yourself and the giving of self that is integral to any real relationship with another person. Whether it is your partner, family of origin, friends, co-workers or children, relationships require certain boundaries to stay healthy. Learn to recognize and respect yours.

Boundaries are Limits that YOU Have and Will Not Cross

Personal boundaries are internal limits. They may not be obvious to you, but they exist and influence your actions. Boundaries are important and should be recognized and appreciated. Most of our boundaries are healthy, and to ignore them is detrimental to our physical, mental, emotional or spiritual well being.  Such limits are developed for many reasons, and stem from different sources which may include:

  • Family or moral values
  • Ethical principles
  • Self-knowledge and an understanding of your personal needs
  • Awareness of the consequences of going beyond these boundaries

Boundaries are Limits that Others May Not Cross:

  • Violence, physical or mental cruelty
  • Insulting behavior (vs. supportive behavior):            

“MAKE-WRONGS” – Turn your comments, ideas or thoughts into negative feedback, often subtly and insidiously: 
Example:  
You say: “I lost 5 pounds this week.”                                                          
Make-wrong response: “Great, but how are you doing on the 50 pounds you still have to lose?”
Supportive response: “That’s terrific!  I know this is tough and I’ll help in any way I can!”                       

“PUT-DOWNS” – Convey a lack of faith in your ability to do something and/or to do it correctly:
Example: 
You say: “I’ll finish the project this evening.”                             
Make-wrong/Put-down response: “Sure, like you said you would yesterday?”
Supportive response: “Okay, but if you forget, do you want me to remind you?”

GLOBAL COMMENTS/CRITICISMS – Turns previous disappointments into general character statements that trap, hurt and prevent moving forward in a relationship:           
Examples:  
”You never get anything done.”                                                                                                          
“You always do that!”                                                                                                                          
“It’s always what you want!”  

Pushing The Limits

     Sometimes, the personal boundaries we set are overly protective and limiting.  This is not healthy. While they serve a purpose, they keep us from reaching for a higher rung. We are comfortable where we are, and unwilling to make the effort (emotional, physical, intellectual, etc.) to push our limits and risk the possibility of growth – or failure.

     Personal boundaries are meant to protect our values, not to stifle our growth. Limits imposed from fear are often cages. Beliefs should be looked at from a position of honesty and humility: 

“Am I a better person because of my internal limits or am I protecting myself from the challenges of self-growth or the intimacy of a relationship?”  

Personal Limits Include:

SPACE – Physical, emotional, thoughts… Everyone needs some privacy.  We have a right to private thoughts and solitary activities.

  • Not sharing everything doesn’t mean a lack of trust in another person, nor does it mean you’re cutting the other person out of your life (or being cut out of his or her life).
  • If you feel compelled to always be with others, question why… What is it about your own company that is so unappealing?  If you are just bored, develop some interests!  You can’t always count on others, but you are always around, so learn to enjoy – and appreciate – yourself. Do you need others to constantly validate you?  What can you do to build your sense of self-worth and learn to respect your wonderful, unique self?
  • Be together, but separate – practice parallel play.
  • Some people are more extroverted, in the sense that they get energy from being with others, while some are more introverted, and recharge by doing solitary activities or having ‘quiet time.’ It can be helpful to know what you – and your partner – need.

TIME – There is rarely enough time in our lives to do everything we would like to do, let alone everything others want us to do.  Give yourself permission to take time… to make time… for self-care: quiet time, sleep, relaxation, healthy eating, grooming, personal interests or hobbies, enjoyable activities, etc. 

  • Interfering with or intruding on this time is actually counter-productive and can even be detrimental to productivity.
  • It’s easy to criticize someone for “doing nothing” when there’s much left undone, but time to unwind is NOT selfish or do-nothing time. It helps us to decompress, recharge and build up the ability to attack projects, go places or just “do something.” 
  • There can be justification in expressing concern at “too much” personal time.  If both partners agree there is an excess of time spent “vegetating,” then provisions should be made to SCHEDULE certain activities at specified times.  This avoids conflict as to what was agreed upon. 
  • Scheduling also allows the person taking personal time to do so without guilt, but since the “assigned” personal time isn’t open-ended, scheduling it helps to limit over-indulgence.  Guilt-free personal time is also an excellent reward/incentive for accomplishing scheduled Task-Appointments. See “The Task-Appointment.”
  • When working, interruptions will slow you down and destroy the ‘flow.’ Some estimates say it takes an average of 26 minutes to get back on track, and that’s if you don’t get distracted by something else! And it is even more frustrating if it took major effort to get activated in the first place. You have a right to minimize interruptions – especially when you are working at a task that requires concentrated effort. If possible, turn off the computer and phone notifications for a set time. Let others know you’ll be in temporary seclusion. Consider a phone message that tells others when you will, once again, be available. Put a sign or count-down timer on your desk or office door that says when you will be free (people are more likely to wait if they have a specific time when they can speak to you).
  • Learn to say ‘NO” so you have more time to say “YES” to what really matters. Our time banks are limited, and everything you do is a withdrawal. So, choose wisely. Decide what is important and set your boundaries accordingly.

PERSONAL GOALS, DREAMS, and INTERESTS – We all need dreams to strive and hope for, but it’s important to objectively evaluate them, discard the unrealistic and work towards actually achieving goals that are truly meaningful.  See “How to Accomplish Goals.”   We also need to accept and enjoy our interests without judging them according to someone else’s barometer.

  • Expressing realistic concern about another’s goals or desires is okay, as long it’s done constructively.
  • To be critical in a negative way (“make-wrongs” or “put-downs”) of another’s goals and desires is to take away something precious from that person.  The same is true for being totally non-supportive. 
  • If your needs strongly conflict with another’s goal (e.g., your partner wants to buy a vacation home and you don’t want the stress, financial outlay and additional demands on your time), you can still express an understanding of the need, even if you are not supportive of the action. Perhaps you can both work out some compromise, such as buying into a time-share. 
  • The reverse is also true. We can be supportive without fully understanding another’s dreams.  Sometimes we haven’t a clue as to why something is important for someone else (e.g., running a marathon), but we can still support them in their quest.
  • Be careful that you don’t impose your dreams, or interests, on others. If you want to go bird-watching and your friends find it boring, it is unfair to force them to join you. However, don’t give up your interest, just find others who share it. Or suggest that while you birdwatch, your friend can use the time for his photography hobby, so you are both doing what you enjoy.
  • Don’t allow others to impose their interests on you. You can decline to share an activity and still be a good friend.  You can appreciate that your spouse likes to watch sports on TV but choose to watch your favorite sitcom in another room.  Not wanting to watch the news or go to an opera doesn’t mean you are superficial. (Beware the hidden make-wrong!)
  • If you know something will be difficult for the other person, even if you don’t think it should be, accept their limitations (real or perceived) and lend your moral support, without being controlling, indirectly insulting or withdrawing.

Limits Must Be Communicated

  • Know and understand your own limits. It is unreasonable to expect compliance or understanding from others if you’re not clear on your own needs.     
  • Make sure others know your limits before you criticize them for going too far, or not far enough. It is unfair to expect something of someone else unless you’ve clearly explained to them what it is you want or need. Too often we get upset with someone because we think they should just know what we want, need, etc.
  • Relationships consist of more than one person. While it is important to get what you need and to strive for what you want, it’s unhealthy (to a relationship) not to also take into account the other person’s needs and wants.
  • Reclarify as needed. Sometimes we think we said something or made something clear and the other person says we didn’t. Instead of accusing the other, accept that either one of you may be responsible for the misunderstanding and restate your needs and expectations. Remember that conversations disappear, and no one is to blame. Communication is critical. And it always helps to write down things that you want to remember, and if they relate to an event, put them on a calendar and set an alarm!
  • Ask for feedback. To be sure major points are understood and to avoid miscommunication, ask the other person to tell you what they’ve heard, and what they think you mean. (Ask nicely, not with an attitude.)
  • Be flexible. Boundaries can be expanded at times. Stay somewhat flexible and try to see things from the other’s point of view without losing your integrity or perspective.

Examples:
If your partner is ill or “down,” you may do more than your share of chores or provide greater emotional support.

A well-meaning grandparent may be allowed to ask questions or do certain things that you wouldn’t permit someone else. (But even here, there should be a limit!)

You may allow a partner or a good friend certain intimacies or criticisms you wouldn’t accept from an acquaintance.

Formulate Consequences for Overstepped Boundaries

  • Calmly state the situation (the other person may not have realized they were pushing your limits).
  • Reinforce your boundaries when they are, or might be, violated.
  • Graciously refuse to accept an over-the-boundary situation. Getting angry, depressed or belligerent doesn’t make it easier for you or the other person. 
  • Allow the other person a backdoor; an easy way to change their mind or offer a compromise that realistically works for you. 

Examples:
Employer:  “I need this report by 9am.”
Response:  “You may have forgotten, but when we met yesterday, I explained that I had to leave early today.  You said it was okay.  It’s impossible for me to cancel my plans at this point, but I can either prepare the report when I come in tomorrow and have it by noon, or give the data to Nancy so that she can prepare the report.”

Spouse:    “Honey, I’m watching the playoffs… can you please keep the kids quiet?”   
Response:  “We agreed that you take care of the children on Sunday afternoons so I can work on my thesis.  I know you really want to see the game, so I can take them to the park now, but if I do, you’ll have to take care of dinner and putting them to bed so I can complete the section I’m working on.”

Partner: “Are you ever going to get that ‘A’ project finished? 
Response: “I certainly hope so.  However, I’m also juggling the ‘B’, ‘C’ and ‘D’ projects.  If you can take over the ‘C’ project, I shouldn’t have any difficulty completing the other three on schedule.”

Child: “Mom – you didn’t wash my team jersey!  You’re in charge of doing the laundry!  I need it by 4:00, so wash it now!”
Response: “Everyone in this family is old enough to be responsible for putting their clothes in the laundry hamper. You know that. Since you left the jersey on the floor in your room, it wasn’t washed when I did the family laundry. If you want to wear a clean jersey to team practice, you’ll just have to wash it yourself.  If you’re not sure how to do that, I’ll be happy to answer your questions, but I won’t do it for you.”

Child: “I’ve had it with doing chores around here.  I’m not your slave! You take out the garbage yourself.”
Response: “I won’t force you to take out the garbage.  I know it’s not very appealing, but everyone has responsibilities. Since you don’t want to do your share of what must be done, I’ll have to work harder.  So, I won’t have the energy or time to take you to dance class on Thursday.  It’s your choice.”

Recognizing and reinforcing boundaries makes for more powerful
and healthier relationships.

MONEY & ME:

MONEY & ME:

by | Jun 10, 2019 | ADD - ADHD, Attitude, Perspective

Let’s Talk About MONEY…

We’re already in the Holiday buying frenzy season, so step back for a minute to take this Reality Check! (And check out my Time Machine ride, below.)

Some of you are brilliant at earning and managing money. Others have the skill to grow what you’ve earned or have family money to spare. This blog isn’t for you.

Many people with (and without) ADHD have financial issues. The reasons vary, but here are some common ones – can you relate?

  • It’s Now… or Not Now. When you live in the moment, it’s difficult to plan for the future, whether it’s putting aside money for emergencies or unanticipated events (car repair, best friend’s wedding, new air conditioner, etc.)… OR for non-immediate goals (vacation, new house, newer car, etc.)… OR for longer term needs like retirement planning.
     
  • I Want; therefore, I Do. Impulse control isn’t high on the list of ADHD characteristics. If you are lured by items in a store, online or even on a restaurant menu, your first thought may not be whether you can afford – or need – the purchase. You’re less likely to weigh benefit against cost (and even if you do, you’ll more likely decide the value is in the purchase or the cravings, not the savings).
     
  • Appeal of the Bright and Shiny Object. It can be a new outfit, despite a bulging closet and emaciated wallet. It might be a new hobby or adventure, regardless of the cost or despite an already maxed out schedule. If it sparks your attention, diverts you from dreaded boredom, sends a dopamine rush of exciting possibility to your brain – well then, money isn’t the major consideration, if considered at all.
  • FOMO – Fear of Missing Out. It’s too easy to spend money on things we don’t need (the latest phone upgrade?) because if we don’t have the newest and best we’re worried we’ll be out of sync, or ‘less than.’
  • Did I or Did I Not? If you can’t remember whether you bought something, or if you know you did but forgot where you put it, you’re more likely to purchase it, or something similar, a second (or third) time.
  • Magical Thinking. The Cambridge English Dictionary defines this as the “belief that thinking about something or wanting it to happen can make it happen.” Sometimes this is a good thing, as evidenced by the benefits of positive thinking and even the Law of Attraction (when coupled with action!). However, when our current financial actions are driven by future income possibilities, it usually means trouble: l can afford this now as I’ll be able to pay for it when I get my new, better-paying job … I’m in line for an inheritance, someday … I’ll marry into money … I will win the lottery … or the horserace. Maybe, but what are the consequences if you don’t?
  • Difficulty Planning. It’s often a challenge to make decisions that will make a goal so specific and real that you can appropriately budget for it. Let’s say you need additional education or training to change or advance your career. You’ll need to decide on the course, the school and the timing. Only then will you know the expense. Then you’ll need to decide how you’ll pay for it. Do you have the money? Can you save it? Is it worth a loan? Can you get a loan? ALL decisions!  Or, you may want to take a vacation, but where to go? With whom? Fly or drive? When? Tour, hotel or house rental? So many decisions! (BTW, mind-mapping can be very helpful for this type of planning.) Do you have money set aside for a vacation? Can you save it? How much you need will depend on the variables, or the variables will depend on how much money you’ve set aside. This required thinking is exhausting for many people with ADHD, who easily suffer from decision-making fatigue. So, the tendency is to postpone making ANY decisions or to make decisions without thinking through financial considerations.
  • Commitment Phobia. This is a common concern that interferes with making plans. How will I know if I want to do this in six months – or six days – from now? What if something else comes up? You are likely to spend more when you do things last minute, or impulsively, than if you’ve planned in advance.
  • Boredom. Spending money is often tied in to alleviating boredom. And many of us get bored easily and look for diversions, whether it is a shopping trip, entertainment activity or event, online browsing session, expensive restaurant, bar night out, etc. This can easily negatively impact our budget. Contributing to the drive to spend money is the dopamine rush that comes with the excitement of buying something that attracts us (and might also temporarily help with depression or anxiety). This adds to the appeal for ADDers, making it more difficult to avoid impulsive buying.
  • The Cost of Happiness. Studies show that experiences, including convenience services, contribute more towards feelings of happiness and satisfaction with life (and relationships) than do material purchases. Spending money on a cleaning or meal delivery service, which gives the gift of time (and avoids chores that, for many, are not highly desirable), may increase happiness, but negatively impact bank balances. Even so, these expenses may be worth adding to your budget! 
  • Avoidance of the Reality Check. If we aren’t clear about our income, our savings (or lack of) and our expenses (fixed, variable and discretionary), we don’t have the info we need to weigh a purchase against the reality of whether – or not – we can afford it. 

So, what does it take for a Reality Check?

OK, this time machine won’t really transport me to another era (magical thinking to the max!). Sadly, I won’t be able to improve my finances by going back in time to buy IBM, Apple or Google at first offering, or buy into that NYC co-op conversion. (But thanks, Rob Niosi, for the make-believe time travel on your magical work of art!) 

Since I have to face the reality of my finances and to understand money and how it affects me, I need to gain clarity about:
  • My actual income, after taxes. (BTW, if you are entitled to reimbursement for business or medical expenses, and struggle to get in the paperwork, give yourself permission to have someone help you submit those expenses!)
  • My fixed and variable expenses – the money I need to spend to live (not necessarily to live well…). This includes required expenses related to basic housing, groceries, clothing, electronics, transportation, home and personal care. Also,insurance and medical care along with regular savings for emergencies, unexpected needs, special expenses and retirement. It might include loan and credit card payments (including student loans), plus expenses related to children, dependent parents, pets, etc.
  • My disposable income – the amount of money I have left AFTER I deduct all of my necessary expenses. The availability (or not) of disposable income also affects the quality and quantity of my choices (Mercedes or Honda… house or studio apartment… Nordstrom or Walmart… exercise DVD or gym membership… luxury hotel or inexpensive hostel).
  • My discretionary expenses – the things I buy because I want them; not because they are necessities. This category includes entertainment, dining out, vacations, renovations, etc.

So, Reality Check:  What is your REAL income after taxes? How much do you need for your fixed and variable expenses? The amount remaining is ALL you have available for your discretionary expenses, unless you want to run up debt that will only compound the problems. 

Ouch! Our tendency is to overspend because confronting the reality of how much money we require to live, and how much we have left after those expenses, is something we want to avoid.